The Mommy Diaries

After we put the kids down tonight, I was able to score some "me" time in front of the TV with my latest Netflix selection - "The Nanny Diaries". For those of you that haven't seen this movie, it is worth a watch. I read the book years ago as a newly minted mom and loved it at the time, but honestly couldn't remember how it ended this evening. I started the movie with the usual book/movie expectations (the book is always better!), but I'm not sure if it's because it's been so long since I read the book that I forgot key comparisons or if the movie is actually GOOD, but it was one of the best movies I've seen in awhile.

Particularly relevant for me was the timing of the movie. Having spent the past four years trying to find the perfect work/family balance with a job I absolutely adore, I recently made the decision to leave my job to stay home full-time with my kids. This was difficult for me, given that from Day 1 of my freshman year of college, I made educational and career choices with the distinct goal of building a career that would allow me to "have it all" and balance work, home, marriage, career, and (as a lover of children) more than the average 2.5 children.

Unfortunately, even with the ideal work setup - a wonderfully flexible boss that let me work anywhere from 15 hours to 30 over the years since I've had children, telecommuting privileges, and the most amazing team of co-workers one could ask for, it just wasn't working out for our family. And did I mention that I also have a nanny sent directly from heaven? I actually went through a long progression deciding to quit, wondering if I couldn't make the ideal employment situation work, how would I ever be able to achieve the Holy Grail of Motherhood for My Generation: Work/Family Balance?

I am excited, but scared to death. Even working just part-time has kept a piece of the "me" I had before I was "mommy" alive. No matter how out of control things get at home, I can go somewhere where I am still smart, organized, and recognized for my contributions. At home, although I will have the distinct pleasure of being the one to drop off and pick up my sons at pre-school (one of the the things I hated missing most because of work), I will not be recognized for exceeding pickup time goals or benchmarks. As a classic overachiever, it kills me to think that all the years of AP classes in high school, internships and part-time jobs in college, and professional effort will be for naught when I am relegated to the position of Head Party Mom. I wonder if I will lose my intellectual and competitive edge, if I'll fall behind on industry trends, if "they" (the people in my industry) will forget about me, and if I'll even be able to get back in the workforce when I want to go back. Still, with the demanding responsibilities of my job, a husband starting a job with significant travel, and a third child on the way in August, I realized something had to give.

Not too long into the movie, I was joined by my youngest son, who was having some problems getting to sleep. Bored and lonely because his brother had sacked out long ago, he finally materialized next to the couch begging to "snuggle up" with mommy. As a mom of two boys, I don't often get a request to snuggle up, so I overlooked the bedtime-stalling manipulation tactic and we settled in to watch the movie together.

As I struggled to watch the movie around his head, he squeezed my nose, rubbed my cheek, and patted my hair while I rubbed his tummy. It was one of those rare, sweet parenting moments (at least with boys) where we were just enjoying being together, sweetened all the more when he said, "I love you, Mommy." We snuggled there, just the two of us, and he drifted off in my arms while I finished the movie. And at the end, I received an important reminder from the infamously horrendous Mrs. X in the movie, that "Of all the privileges I have, being the mother of (my sons) is the most important."

Granted, this Upper East side, 24/7 "me time" mommy wasn't struggling with the same balance issues that most of us do, but you get the point. So benchmarks, goals, and budgetary targets be damned, I know that I am privileged to have the choice to spend more time with my sons and I plan to enjoy every second (or at least as many of them as I can). In a few years, they won't ever ask to snuggle, they won't care if I pick them up from school or not, and they'll probably be too embarrassed to say they love me. So I figure I owe it to myself to soak up all of those things that I can now - it's all too fleeting. The professional challenges and achievements will be waiting for me when I come back. And I will be back. As an older and wiser mom who's been there recently told me, "You CAN have it all. You just can't have it all at once."